In the spirit of Jonathan Swift

In the spirit of Jonathan Swift (see A Modest Proposal) I have come up with a few suggestions to keep us all alert throughout class. Prof, this goes for you too, seeing as you failed to hand us back our first papers. Don't think I didn't notice or stay up obsessing about what comments you may have had for our first assignment, many a-sleepless nights. Now I am not saying that I am not one of the zombie-struck students come 2 hours into our 3 hour long class, but I've thought long and hard about this and now I have a few postulations which may benefit all of us.

First, we clearly need to prioritize our Mondays. This means Advanced Composition needs to become our only objective for Mondays. I know, I know some of us have jobs and other classes hindering our ability to focus only on our three-hour tour of Composition. Starting this Monday, my fellow classmates, I vow to sleep all day, through work, to wake at 5PM only to brush my teeth and venture down Roosevelt Blvd. to join you. This is my promise.

Secondly, we need to be highly caffeinated (a word with a red squiggly line). My poison is AMP, made by Mountain Dew. This refreshing beverage has a taste similar to that if you shoved as many skittles into your mouth as possible at once. Clearly one alone will not keep me alert through an entire three hour class, so I will bring three, one for each hour. I am also a big advocate of Monster Energy Drink and Red Bull.

Thirdly, I think we need to spend more time making up words for our “Forgotten Word” assignments. The more words we make up in our definitions the longer Prof will spend going over them and how profoundly creative we have become. Since the words will be defining from here on out do not actually have definitions, why use actual words? With all the extra time we spend going over how clever the students are, the 3 hours will simply whiz by.

That is all I have come up with for now. I have full intentions of going to bed at 5PM tomorrow and sleeping for a full 24 hours before joining everyone for class. Armed with 3 (possibly different) caffeine filled heart attacks in a bottle to keep me going all through class. (Don’t worry; I am a smoker, so my coughing should automatically resuscitate me).

Disclaimer: This blog is entirely satirically and is not meant in any way to offend any participant or teacher of Advanced Composition. This is done merely for my own enjoyment and to bemoan the fact we didn’t get our first papers back.